i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
