I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
