You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I hate all girls vehemently.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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