she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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