Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
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