Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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