Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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