If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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