I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Moan for me like Helen Keller
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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