Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
