why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Can I color on your dick again?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
