Someone shit on the floor
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
this just has baby written all over it
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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