You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
