No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
