i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
