I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
my shit smells like andre
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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