why im i the only drunk person in the library?
My pussy is not your playground.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
