A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
