My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
