yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
