if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Please don't give away my fajitas
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
