I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
