No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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