I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
