my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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