my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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