I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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