I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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