a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
