Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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