sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Randomize
