so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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