can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
We're too hungover to prance.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
