time to smoke my breakfast
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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