You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize