Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
