How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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