Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
