she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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