I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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