haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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