Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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