I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
