He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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