The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
