I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
