..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
