We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
