Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
