I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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