So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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