he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
