Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
