My room smells like vodka and shame
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
