Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
